Reemerging

I hardly realized how long it has been since the last time I posted anything. I may be one of the world’s most negligent bloggers. In any case, I’m back – for better or for worse.

In the time I’ve been an absentee poster, I’ve completed an MFA in Creative Writing, and have weathered various illnesses and injuries. Now that I’ve graduated, I’m left with that ever-present question: What do I want to be when I grow up? I’ve finally arrived an an answer (actually a couple, which I think makes me one of those annoying ‘hyphenates,’ but so be it). I will keep you posted on all of that as progress is made.

I promise to be more consistent about posting on here going forward. 

A Whole New Year

I’ve made a little more progress on my 101 list, but I’ll put up details about that later this weekend.

Now a full two weeks into the new year, it seems an appropriate time to contemplate the year ahead without any of the buzz and hype of the whole “new year’s resolutions” crowd. Reflecting on the past few months, life has been hard in some ways. My not-exactly-a-relationship has officially fallen apart, my aunt may never be able to eat solid food again due to complications from her cancer and treatment, and I just found out tonight that one of my best friends had a double mastectomy yesterday and I didn’t even know she had been diagnosed with breast cancer because she and her husband didn’t want to tell anyone until after the surgery. Thankfully, it went smoothly and her prognosis is very good.

It’s hard to be halfway across the country when people I care deeply about are experiencing such major events in their lives, and sometimes I have to remind myself that even if I were there, there’s not a whole lot I could do on a day-to-day basis. So I try to call and check in, and make sure they know how much they mean to me. What else can I realistically do? I hope they know how much I care.

Looking to the days and weeks and months ahead, 2010 stretches before me like a vast wilderness… one that I don’t know how to handle except by taking it just one step at a time, one day at a time. Tonight my long-term goals feel very far away and I’m content to just sit at home by myself and think about the day. I am grateful for the long weekend ahead, and for the Chris and Paul Show tomorrow night, and for Katy Pfaffl’s friends and family gig on Sunday. I breathe deeply and slowly and just take it all in, feeling life wrap its arms around me and hold me close. It is strangely comforting.

Moving forward, I plan to take a long, hard look at my lifestyle and eating habits. I want to use my time wisely to make myself strong and healthy and happy. I want to be physically and emotionally empowered, ready to be there for my friends and family when they need me. I want to laugh and love and cry and hope and dream with all my heart.

Happy 2010.

YAY, movies!

I must say, the movie-watching is my favorite part of this list so far. 🙂

I’ve now also watched On the Waterfront, as well as The Bridge on the River Kwai. I highly recommend both (especially if you like old movies). Though I will warn you – both times I’ve seen The Bridge on the River Kwai – the first time was a few years ago – there were points in the story when I was literally jumping up and down with anger and frustration. Good thing I wasn’t around when it came out in theatres, I would’ve put on quite a show!

Turnaround

I woke up this morning and shortly thereafter was in tears. Thank God this is a rare occurrence, it’s certainly not an ideal way to start the day. Normally when I’m upset at night, I can go to sleep and wake up and feel much better, ready for the new day. Somehow last night did not work according to plan. I went to sleep, woke up, and hadn’t purged all the negative energy yet. The central problem here is that I just don’t know how to let go of people I really care about, even when it gets too hard or too painful for me to hold on. 

My friend Tracy (tndawicki.wordpress.com) has been telling me about something called the Day Zero Project, which is basically a list of 101 things you set out for yourself to accomplish in the next 1,001 days. Sounds like a GREAT thing for me right now, I definitely need specific guidance/goals for myself right now. And, as a rule to myself, NONE of the goals will deal with my personal life. No crap like “I will have a boyfriend by… blah blah blah…” I don’t need that garbage in there, it’s a waste of a perfectly decent goal.

Big Day in the Big City!

Today I got an application to apply for my temp job (which I’ve held for a year) as a full-time employee. Which means I’d finally be legit! All I need to do now is fill out the 23-page application, sign consent forms for several different background checks, try to reconstruct my employment and residence history, and take (another) drug test. You’d almost think I was applying for the FBI! But if it gets me paid holidays, I’m all about it. 🙂

Things that make me happy: “Angelo Rosenbaum,” a song on one of the Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS CDs from a few years ago, sung by the cast of the Lion King. The story is that the guy (Angelo Rosenbaum) was raised both Catholic and Jewish and is having difficulty finding a partner who respects and celebrates both religions and cultures. It’s clever and quirky, and highly recommended!

Also, I really enjoy pink grapefuit sorbet. My brother and I were reminiscing about the grapefruit sorbet we had at a restaurant near the Kohler showroom in Kohler, Wisconsin. Made fresh on site. YUM! It still makes me smile to think about it, and I wish I could have some right now!

On the horizon – AUSTRALIA! Only for a week (I seem to do a lot of super short long-distance trips… not sure what that’s all about…), but it should be excellent and I can’t wait to see Sydney! Anyone have suggestions of things to see or do there?

It’s Been A Long Time, Baby

I know I said I was going to be better about updating this, but apparently I lied. Not intentionally, but certain life circumstances made it difficult to make updates due to technical difficulties and lack of internet and the like. But I’m back now, like it or not, and now that I have a steady internet connection, I fully intend to make this a regular thing. And with that, on to the post:

There’s a special kind of nostalgia reserved for the place of one’s childhood. I went back to Wisconsin this past weekend for a few days, and the whirlwind of activity that ensued left me exhausted. But in a good way. Catching up with friends I haven’t seen in years, running a 5K around my old college campus, hitting up a great music performance (check out http://www.wheretheharpis.com – Janelle is fantastic!), and of course getting some fabulous pie at Bakers Square. I don’t know what it is, but for some reason New York can’t seem to get pie right. Bakers Square knows what’s up.

Once upon a time, I fancied myself as a minimalist of sorts. I’m starting to realize that was a fantasy that fell flat on its face when my mother generously donated a minivan full of goods (and a top carrier filled to the brim, along with my fabulous retro bike) to fill my new apartment. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate her donating her time and efforts to cart this stuff across the country for my use. But as I look around at the piles and stacks of miscellany scattered around my floor, I can’t help but wonder what happened to the Me who could live for 12 weeks at camp with no more than what fit into a duffel bag and a backpack. I like having my own place, but I miss those days.

Oh yeah, I got dumped. To hear him tell it, I got dumped for being too wonderful. Is that even an option? Well, in any case, he broke up with me while emphatically reassuring me that I’ve been nothing but amazing, and that he’s had an awesome time with me, and that I’m great. While it’s hard to reconcile that slew of compliments with the fact that yes, he was in fact breaking up with me, I find that in retrospect it was a pretty sweet deal. Why yes, I am pretty fabulous, thank you for noticing. It’s nice of you to point that out. And at least you seem to fully recognize the fact that you’re letting go of something awesome. I think it should be a rule that when you break up with someone, you have to say at least one (if not more) nice thing to them. It takes the edge off nicely.

One Day at a Time

This weekend has been a tough one. Not for any typical reason, nothing went “wrong.” I just felt laced with doubts about myself and my plan of action for my future, and got frustrated with what feels like a vicious cycle of inaction. I feel stuck, with my hands tied.

Colin was generous with his time this evening, allowing me to vent to him, while I could tell he was becoming increasingly frustrated with my excuses. Without meaning to do so, I was shooting down every helpful idea and suggestion he was offering. He was an exceptional sounding board, though, and brought up a lot of very valid points that I need to look into and assess. 

I don’t have answers, but I do have a lot to think about right now, and I need to come up with a very detailed plan and put it into action so that I gain forward momentum again. It’s when things become stagnant that I lapse into these moods and start to doubt myself. I know that there’s a lot I can accomplish, I just need to find a way to focus on a particular goal as a start point and not let myself get distracted by all the other things that I’d like to do along the way. It’s just not possible to do everything at once, and I have to remind myself of that from time to time and learn how to prioritize all over again.

I got a little sidetracked…

It’s been a while since my last post, and a LOT has happened in the interim. I moved, was a bridesmaid in a wedding in WI, and have had intermittent internet. But I’m back, and I will be much more consistent with my entries from here on out!

Where to start?

Let’s begin with the fun stuff – I have a boyfriend now. It’s still new (we’ve been seeing each other about 2 1/2 months), but it’s going well so far and I’m teaching him about the finer things in life, including Panera, Storm King Art Center, and Flight of the Conchords. One of the best things we’ve been doing so far is watching Band of Brothers chapter by chapter, one or two chapters each time we hang out (kinda geeky, but really awesome!).

And more fun stuff – the wedding in WI was SO amazing!! I’d never been in a wedding before, so I didn’t really know what to expect. The bride (my friend Leah, who I’ve known since middle school) kept things pretty low-key, so there were only two bridesmaids (I was SO honored to be one!!) and we were allowed to pick out our own dresses, as long as they were some shade of purple. I (finally) met the groom, who is AWESOME! They are so great together. Everyone at the wedding was great, the food was delicious, the dancing at the reception was SO fun, and a good time was had by all. 🙂

I’m starting to become more focused with my goals and how I’m going to achieve them. I’m particularly excited about the MBA/MFA program I found at NYU, and tomorrow I’m going to see if bookstores are open so I can pick up a GMAT prep book. I’m also starting to brainstorm some story concepts for my video submission for Tisch. Exciting, but intimidating too! I have a LOT to learn before I can even try to put together a shoot and edit the final product. Know anyone who may be able to help?? All tips and suggestions are welcome and very much appreciated!

A Wake-Up Call

To the marvelous Jesse Kluver, thank you for smacking me upside the head a little today. Sometimes I need someone to tell me to shut the fuck up and quit whining. Along with giving up sweets, I will be giving up talking about my ex for Lent, which starts on Wed. Feel free to hold me to that. I really shouldn’t let him affect me as much as he has. From now on, discussion about him is reserved to talking to my lawyer and preparing for court. 

My sincere apologies to everyone who is sick of hearing about him, I can imagine how exhausting that has been. Maybe one day I’ll just write a book and get it all out at once. People like to buy melodrama, it seems. Haha.

As for my list of things to do this week, I’ve already downloaded three songs that make me smile – “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz, “Still in Hollywood” by Concrete Blondes, and “Hot Dog” by Detroit Cobras. And many thanks to Dana for introducing me to the last two, they’re great workout songs!

Life Plan, Take 204

Okay, I know my plans in life can seem a little scattered to all those who aren’t tuned in to my thought process, but I’m pretty excited about my latest inspiration – I found out that NYU has a dual degree MBA/MFA that’s geared toward producing films. Would that not be perfect for me?! Which means I have the next 8-9 months to get my ass in gear and bolster my resume and take the GMAT. I’ll keep you posted on my progress!

Today is shaping up to be another semi-productive Sunday. This is always the case with me – I start off strong, doing laundry and getting started on some cleaning… then I fizzle out and lose momentum before I make any drastic progress. But I guess there are worse things in life, right?

I’ve been looking into some semi-shady options as a second job. And yet I’m kind of excited about them… is that weird? 

Goals for the week: Paying my overdue book fee at the library, checking out a GMAT prep book, checking into a couple possible places to work on the weekends, finding one or two places to volunteer at least once a week, reconnecting with a couple old colleagues, going to the gym at least three mornings this week, and downloading at least two songs on iTunes that make me smile. A good start, right?